My Queen of Hearts

August 13, 2021

I didn't really expect to receive anything from Alan on my birthday, certainly not a physical present since that would require him getting help from a friend to do it. I certainly didn’t want Swati to help him buy flowers again like she did the first birthday I had marked without him, even though the bouquet had been a lovely surprise. 

And yet this was how I had behaved for decades: never expecting anything from Alan, only forever hoping, and always being disappointed in the end. I knew his lack of attention was an indication of how Alan felt about himself and life in general, it wasn’t really about me. A person's behavior is always about them, not anyone else. They are simply showing us who they are, how they feel about themselves and about life in general. Still, the memory of his past indifference stung, and I had discovered how my buried pain had been blocking my ability to connect fully with him, so I wasn't going repress my feelings any longer.

Now with my birthday looming on the horizon, I began worrying about being let down again. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle the disappointment now that my heart and all of my emotions were fully awakened. I found myself crying at the smallest things so if Alan was to be neglectful as he had always been in the past I knew I’d be crushed.  

The thought hurt. But what could he possibly give me that would make my birthday special? I didn’t want him to give me another song since by now that had become routine, so I asked him to write me a love letter. He could dictate it to Maria. That was something I knew he could do since the wedding vows he had written through her had touched me deeply.  

Alan agreed to write a love letter. Naturally Maria was fully on board with the idea and eager to help. She just hoped Alan wouldn’t leave it until the last minute to dictate it to her as he had done for our wedding. I was able to rest easy knowing that my birthday wouldn’t be an occasion of bitter disappointment. 

At the last minute I decided to hold a birthday party on Zoom for our friends and Facebook group. I asked Maria if she could read Alan’s letter during the party just like she had read his wedding vows for him. Everything was agreed upon. 

But when I woke up on the day of my birthday I noticed Maria had messaged me to tell me that Alan wanted me to read his letter before the party rather than hear it for the first time then so she had emailed it to me. 

The subject line of the email made my eyes mist over,

From Alan on the Occasion of Your Birthday Which to Him is Every Day. 

My Darling Pam,

They say love letters are written in many forms. Of course you have the writers themselves who can wield and transform the common word to build beautiful edifices of love.

Hard to not feel your heart melt as you take that momentous sigh. That is what all lovers aim to be and do. Other lovers do not have the gift of gab, but their gifts give them another way to express themselves.

Architects design houses for their beloved, artists will paint what their heart sees in the face they have given their heart to, a musician will sing to the beat of their heart as their beloved takes over their mind.

Every single one of these will take your breath away because the driving force behind it is and always will be love.

Unfortunately I am not a great artist. I am not a musician. Or an architect. I am but a simple man who loves you more than I could ever express. Yes I have borrowed from the great to tell you about my love but not from complacency. It was simply because they know how to translate love. But not today. Today I am going to find my own colors to show you how I feel.

Pam, I could try to write this as Archangel Alan but I want to express myself as a man. So forgive my lack of poetry because that can only be achieved by those who live on high. My soul will always be tied to yours. So as long as you live on earth, so will I. Yes, I do possess the same powers as my archangel self but I can still see the world with the eyes I left behind.

So let me tell you how I compose my love letter to you on a daily basis. I am an alchemist. My power is in transmutation. Yes my love, I transform, reform and create. I am a magician of sorts. But unlike magicians I can’t pull a beautiful bouquet out of my hat. My magic is invisible. It permeates little by little. But it is always there. I have been surrounding you with this magic since the day I was reborn. This is the castle I am building for you, for us. This is the ideal world I am painting.

In our castle, my Queen of Hearts, there is no sadness. There your days are nothing but full of love. I will always heal you from wounds. Both physical and emotional. Our walls will be rose colored and blue because that is the color of the sunrise and all my days are sunrises with you. Our bed will be red because my passion for you simmers with heat. Our gardens will have rainbows to remind you of all the ones I painted in the sky for you. The sun will gently kiss your skin to remind you of all the kisses I have ever bestowed on you.

I know that right now the castle still has many cracks and the colors seem to be slightly off. But that is a distortion of the earth plane that we live on. Yes, I live here too because do you think I would truly ever be able to leave you? So I see like you, I feel like you and I love like you. But I also see, feel and love like I’m in heaven. Those cracks happen when there are dualities. However don’t look upon them as defects. They are peepholes. Portals if you will.

They allow us to glimpse into perfection, into everything we will be once we completely leave our egos behind.

Don’t ignore their existence because they serve a purpose. Notice how they have already gotten smaller. Over time they will disappear. That’s because every day is a day closer to our eternal reunion. Everyday your ego and therefore mine too is diminished. Everyday our love transforms not only us but the world. Ultimately my gift to you is also a gift to the world. But understand this: without you there would be no gift. Without you, I wouldn’t exist. So it’s all because one day I laid my eyes upon you and knew that you were always going to be my North Star. You are my sun, my moon, my beginning and my end.

You are more to me than life.

Close your eyes Pam because I now want to whisper into your ear. I want my words to permeate your existence and take residence in your heart. I want you to be able to hold on to them when you think the world around you is falling apart. I want them to guide you, I want them to make you smile.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Now and Forever more, I love you,

Alan

For thirty years I swallowed my hopes and dreams for romance and affection.  I told myself he loved me, which I knew to the core of me was the truth. I absolutely knew this wasn't my imagination.

I was stunned to learn that Alan and I were meant for each other from the moment he hugged me the first time we met. From that day on, I continued to feel the power of the true love we had for each other, so I hung on to that singular truth from that day on.  It’s funny how the heart can fixate on something and never let go. The promise of Alan’s love saw me through the years of being neglected and unappreciated. Wanting a peaceful life, I had early on stopped complaining about his indifference. What was the point?

And yet, against all logic so sure was I that Alan loved me that even if he flirted with a woman, which he didn’t do often, or when I heard about women flirting with him, that it never bothered me. Not once. I knew he was mine and I knew Alan would never leave me. I just couldn't understand his inability to express his love to me. That mystery haunted me for all the years we spent together.

But now I know our heartache was planned so we could have a platform to teach from. Alan is back in my life and he has changed me because he is loving me in the way I had always wanted and believed he could.  I’m sure there will be more bumps in the road, but one thing I also know for sure: I’ll take this rollercoaster, mind blowing ride over not having him in my life at all.  I cannot even fathom how anyone could accept that their loved one is dead and gone, after what I have experienced with  Alan.

Love and life continue because we never cease being fully, and completely ALIVE!