Another Breaking Point

December 25, 2021

At long last December arrived, bringing with it the excitement of the impending holidays. Things were going well between Alan and me, but I couldn’t help but review the year that was ending and notice that I still wasn’t any stronger with my clairvoyance. I kept practicing as best I could, but had seen little improvement, and now I was discouraged. A nagging fear crept in as I wondered.

What if I can’t do this? 

There was so much on my plate between finishing the first draft of our book, growing our business, giving readings, taking care of our Facebook group, doing our online events, and now with practicing clairvoyance on my shoulders everything had happened so fast and here I was at a tipping point. I was floundering in doubt.

Yes, I’m already clairvoyant but I wanted to see more of Alan, maybe even 3 dimensional, however rare that might be. How would I be able to teach others if I couldn’t? I had heard of people who can see discarnate souls in physical form and how confusing it is for them, but would I be able to handle that?

I couldn’t stop wondering what Alan was doing to help me. He had said he was always working behind the scenes, but on what? Where was the evidence of his efforts? The more I thought about it the more depressed and upset I got. I was overwhelmed by all of the work before me and there would be even more coming down the road when our book came out. I kept telling Alan how hard this was for me, but if he was listening I couldn’t tell because nothing seemed to change.

Then something unexpected happened that threatened to break us apart permanently. It began innocently enough while I was talking to Angel on the phone. I told her about the email I received from a client who happily announced that she had felt their husband kiss her. Of course I was thrilled for her because I knew Alan had been working with her husband to help them make contact, but it made me wonder if Alan was the teacher on the other side, helping her husband accomplish this, why had he not done the same for me? Where was my kiss? When I asked Angel the question as usual, Alan was there with her, hearing both sides of our conversation.  

“I think he’s put the burden on me to learn how to see him because he doesn’t know what else to do, but I can’t figure this out on my own and I shouldn’t have to do everything with all that I’m already doing. I’m not angry but I told him it would be unbearably cruel of him to force me to teach others and then watch them experience what I long for that I don't have.

“I understand now why he wanted Genevieve to teach me, he was putting it all on my shoulders.  Why am I doing all the work once again, and sacrificing so that others can be happy while I have to settle for less?  That doesn’t feel like love to me.  My heart is breaking along with my trust in him. I might be able to trust Dad with keeping my physical body safe but not my heart.  I feel like I am back to where I was with him thirty years ago.

Do I have to lock my heart away again?”

Angel replied, “Mom, I was having this conversation with Dad. He’s so sad and started to cry! I asked him if he knew how and he said sheepishly, he hasn’t really tried. He’s afraid to fail. Oh Mom! I am in tears! I am cooking dinner and I was talking to him. I said you wouldn’t be angry, and that he needs to talk to you about it and not be afraid to try! He said he will, but he’s so scared. Yes, I will talk to him. But he is crying. He feels embarrassed that he’s put you in a spot like this again, passing the buck and procrastinating once more.

The fact that Alan had not been doing everything in his power to help us connect with each other devastated me. I had assumed that getting closer to each other was as important to him as it was to me. All of my memories of the times he had let me down flooded back in again. Could I really trust him? Why was he doing this, or rather, not doing this? The next morning, weeping, I sent off an email to Maria and poured out my heart trying to make sense of his actions. My pain was intense, after everything we’d been through these last 16 months how could he let me down yet again? 

Maria,

I couldn’t sleep and so I wrote a letter to Alan.  

I had yet another meltdown last night. I’m trying to pull myself together but can’t stop crying. Swati helped me through it initially, but I woke up even more depressed.

Last night I cooked dinner but couldn’t eat any of it. I was just too sad. I don’t want to talk to Alan anymore. I am tired of always being the one making the effort to talk. He needs to do something on his own to prove himself to me that he truly loves me without help from anyone and that he will do all he can to give me what I need. It was easy for him to get lazy because there are three of you who can speak for him and do things for him, which is probably why he’s reverts to becoming complacent again.

No more pretty words of love, no more presents bought by others, he needs to make something happen for me himself, because Swati says he can if he truly wants to, or he can certainly learn how. This she knows is true!

Swati told me about a mother whose son took his own life then began to communicate with her through different mediums. They told her he was practicing to appear to her and he eventually did.  He did that and more for her, but it took time and lots of practice, but he wanted it so much for his mother that he worked very hard at it! Oh, and his mother didn’t have to do a thing to help him achieve this either. It was all on him to do the work.

That made me realize that Alan has been slacking off, making me think it was up to me to work on developing my clairvoyance so I could see him. When all along it was possible for him to learn how to materialize, touch me, and even give me a hug. I feel completely defeated. Not angry at him, just incredibly sad that he would let me down this way and not be working as hard as he could to give me the only thing that I want most in the world.

Doesn’t he know how much it would mean to me to be able to see the love in his eyes for even 5 seconds? Love that vanished from my sight 30 years ago? Love that he promised me has returned at last. Love that I can feel but I also want to see reflected in his eyes as physical proof. It’s the only thing I want, and yet he hasn’t even tried because he’s afraid of failing. Hell, I’ve been trying and failing for months and months, so what’s up with that?

I have questions for him that I need to be answered and if he won’t then I’m done. 

I learned to never expect much from Alan. Maybe that’s why he can’t come through for me now when I need him the most since people live up to our expectations of them.

I’m depressed because I don’t think he’s changed enough to love me the way I need and deserve to be loved. I didn’t realize that until yesterday.

I love you so much Maria!

Thanks for always being there for me. 

For us.

Then I wrote a letter to Alan, pouring out my feelings to him so he knew exactly how I felt, so there would be no mistake since it seemed to me that he sometimes forgot what I told him, or else why would the same things keep happening over and over.  

Alan,

Talking is not enough. I’ve been trying to talk to you for 16 months now, always taking the time and making the effort, giving you ample opportunity to connect with me. I’ve spent hours and hours in bed with you in the morning and evening trying to reach you and trying to hear you when all along it didn’t seem you always wanted to talk to me.

So I’m done trying. I am done helping you when you refuse to do your part to help me.

Why is it always down to me to help you?

All through our marriage, you counted on me to do everything for you. With your past life king complex, I was your servant. You even got angry at me for not healing your dementia, as if it was my job to fix everything that wasn’t working in your life. I did try to heal you, because of course I did everything I could for you so many, many times, all without a single thank you from you.

So here we are once again–all of the work is left to me and I am alone doing it all. You seem unable to focus very long on helping me, on putting me first, and showing me that you care. You are easily distracted and forget. Clearly loving me must be too much work for you.

I’ve had time to think back over these last 16 months and I have questions that need answering.

#1 Why did you listen to Gena when she told you NOT to show yourself to me?

She said that you were thinking of showing yourself to me but talked you out of it. I can’t remember why, only that she told me she convinced you not to. I want to know why you went along?

#2 Why don’t you show yourself to me now when I need you to, when I am ready to walk away from you and all we had planned because I don’t believe in you anymore?

Swati told me a story of a young man on the other side who worked hard to show himself to his mother after he passed. A medium told the wife he was going to do that by a certain day and he did. Yes it takes lots of practice and effort to learn how to but he managed to do it.

It would mean the world to me if you did the same for me. But I doubt you will. 

#3 Why didn’t you write me a love letter when I asked you to?

In April after being emotionally distant from me after the wedding, I asked (begged, really) you to write me a love letter because I thought your wedding vows were so beautiful. I suppose it takes a lot of effort for you to do that, and perhaps you simply weren’t interested or were too busy helping others. Once again, you seem to seek the applause and appreciation of strangers over making me happy, at least that is what it feels like to me. Why should you try to please me when you know I love you and will never leave you or judge you so once again I’m taken for granted. You only make a grand gesture when I break down like I am doing now. That’s not how love is supposed to be!

Either way, I never got a love letter from you until August when I asked you to write me one for my birthday. So to me, it didn’t count. Can you imagine how I felt, having to ask you for that just because I couldn’t bear the thought that you’d give me nothing for my birthday? I was being proactive in protecting my heart because I didn’t believe I could count on you to show you care. But what was the point? The love letter you wrote was sweet but it didn’t mean as much to me because it was my idea, not yours. 

I think you want life to be fun and easy and light. You love to joke around with everyone which was always your way. Relationships take time, patience, work, and constant attention like caring for a garden, and although you have eternity in terms of time you don’t seem to be able to focus for very long on caring for me. With eternity before you perhaps you believe you will always have tomorrow to make me happy, but tomorrow comes and goes again and again and once again you forget to make the effort.

 Alan, I just don’t know if I believe in you anymore!

And if I don’t believe in you then I can’t hear you or feel you or see you. If I don’t believe you truly care, then soon you won’t exist for me in my world. I already feel you fading from my view as I write these words…soon you’ll become nothing but a hallucination of my heart.

In the physical 3D world, I need a DEMONSTRATION of your love and your devotion.

I told Swati I need to SEE you now, not later, but NOW— especially if you truly can do this as she claims you can. Which brings me to the next question.

Question #4–Will you show yourself to me?

You’ve never come through with anything I have asked of you so this is it for me.  If you can’t do that or something close to it then I give up believing in you and working tirelessly doing all the things you asked me to.  I have never failed you but you keep failing me the few times I’ve needed you. This is the time for you to take bold action or go home to heaven and stay there and leave me alone forever. I know that sounds harsh but you’ve taken advantage of my trust and always-forgiving heart. I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve. I’m not angry about this, no, I’m heart-sick, and you know that I AM RIGHT!

For 30 years and 16 months, I have given you my all.

If you can’t show up now and do something to prove to me that you love me true, by showing me you are strong and dedicated enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with me to face the world with the work before us, then we have nothing to offer humanity and our relationship is over.

I am done being the strong one,“the rock” as Taylor called me, the one who always comes through in the end. I need a true partner who is my equal who can hold me up when I falter, not weigh me down with his needs, someone who comes through for me when I am in despair instead of running for cover crying over his hurt feelings.

You see yourself as the Archangel Superhero, the angel who can save the world, yet you are terrified of baring your heart and soul to the one who loves you most. Why???

What the hell is wrong with you? Why haven’t you rehabilitated yourself in Heaven? They shouldn’t have issued you a hall pass to visit Earth if you are still this screwed up.

I thought you had changed, but I see now I was wrong.

Yes, you are much nicer, more patient, and infinitely wiser than you were before, but everything else about you seems the same. I guess complacency is just part of your basic nature. Don’t you understand that your complacency hurts me far more than your misspoken words? You’re terrified you’ll say the wrong thing to me, that somehow I will take offense so you censor everything leaving me with nothing of you to hold onto. No wonder I still feel like I don’t know you! 

#Question 5–When will you stop hurting me and start truly loving me in a way that I can FEEL?

You told me you sent Genevieve the pelicans and became an orb for Maria for me because everything you do is for me, but I never asked you to do that, and anytime I did ask specifically for what I needed you failed me. Every time. I see your words as convenient explanations for your missteps. 

Words are easy to speak and write. I don’t believe in your words anymore which is why I don’t really want to talk to you. All I’ve done is talk and talk with you, struggling to hear you make promises that never come true. While they used to touch my heart, your words of love by themselves no longer mean anything to me without being backed up by action.

Talk is cheap. It may be a cliche but actions speak louder than words.

I need PROOF of why I should believe in you anymore.

#Question 6–Can you and WILL you prove your love? 

I am so tired of hearing how you are crying, that you are afraid of trying when you are in heaven for fucks sake!  Which begs the obvious question.

What the hell do you have to be afraid of?

It’s time for you to grow up! Do you not know what the 3D world is like right now? There is a friggin pandemic going on and people are dying! If I can no longer be with you my life is basically over. I wouldn’t be able to go on with the book or the work we planned. I would be left with nothing, I’d be deeply in debt and have no income. I am worried and depressed about my own survival, so I’m sorry if I seem unsympathetic to your fear of failure when I have all this to deal with. Poor you, you’ll have to cry your eyes out in the comfort of Heaven surrounded by angels. 

I love you more than life itself but I don’t like you very much right now. Right now I wish I didn’t love you. My love for you has become an unbearable burden. It hurts too much since you brought me back to life, making me feel all of my feelings only to let me down again and again and again. 

You are right, you don’t deserve me!

Maybe you never will.

Love, Pam

I sent my letter to Alan to Maria and Angel. Then, I heard Alan ask me to write his words down for him, and I reluctantly agreed.

Alan’s Reply

Pam, my Love, my Life, my Soul,

I have no excuse except that I have been doing my best to understand the workings of the universe and all of creation. In other words, I have been focusing on a loftier perspective trying to understand higher concepts, including other realms, yes helping others, and now I find that I have almost completely forgotten my primary mission which was to love and support you and help others to connect through the veil.

When I died, I felt as if I was let loose into a candy store. Having everything I ever wanted before me I began to indulge in learning and understanding all the many complex subjects that before this time I was unable to grasp. Because now that I find my mind is working to full capacity I'm hungry for learning. So I steered my course toward higher education, you could say even a PhD level education rather than keeping my focus down closer to the ground, to the earth plane. Big mistake!

Yes, that clearly, was a big mistake made on my part for I thought that I could juggle learning higher, bigger concepts, and do as I pleased and still be there for you and others, which I have been doing, but I see now that I could and should have done much, much more for you.

Yes, I could have been learning how to strengthen and manipulate my energy so that you could experience me but I made the mistaken assumption that you were so advanced, that you could easily figure this out yourself. I didn't think that anything more was required on my part. Yes, when I asked Gena about showing myself to you, I was thinking of learning how to do that going down the road so to speak, but she talked me out of it because she felt that that would derail your attempts to see me yourself since she understands that having this ability, would be pivotal for your spiritual growth.

And so I allowed her to talk me out of making the effort and then I focused instead on encouraging you to develop your clairvoyance. I shouldn't have let her dissuade me. At the time that I was thinking of doing this was before our wedding and I wanted to give you something special. Oh, what could be more special than that? But again, I allowed her to change my mind. And as I retrace my steps, I see that this would have been a major turning point, for both of us, especially for you, for you so needed the reassurance that I was not only in your life again, but that I truly loved you. Because as you have said to me several times you needed to see the love in my eyes, eyes that had grown cold and empty, devoid of feeling. The love in my eyes dimmed so long ago, you could not remember my love.

I am so sorry. I feel so much remorse, and I know my words may sound hollow to your ears and I don't blame you. I have no other excuse. As for not complying with your wishes for a love letter. Truly, I did not always feel adequate and up to the task. Yes, the wedding vows I wrote for you were beautiful. I'm so glad that they met with your approval. But it did take me time and a lot of focus.  Writing and self-expression don’t come easy to me. You are the gifted writer whose coattails I gratefully ride upon. And so I did what I so often did when I was in a body, I procrastinated and put things off. I kept telling myself I had plenty of time when I really was just delaying and delaying because yes, I was playing in the cosmos, doing things that were easier and more fun for me. I'm so ashamed and so sad. It pains me to see the heartache this has caused you. Now you do not trust me anymore.

I'm trying to find my way back. I am looking for ways to regain your trust. I hope to show myself to you. It will take time because quite honestly my state of mind right now is so low that I need to pull myself up first but I will, I promise.

Regaining your love is now my sole mission.

Pam, please, please do not give up on me. Do not give up on us. I will make this right, it is my vow and my pledge to you. I will communicate with you more fully, more loudly, more clearly, and more often. If you want me to talk to you constantly in your head I will do that. No, I haven't done that recently because I knew that you needed your space. But I can and I will turn up the volume as well as the frequency.

Please know this! I love you, I love you, I love you1 I cannot exist in heaven or or in any other reality without you. There is so much more for me to say, but for now, can you just sit with me in the field of Love and Forgiveness and allow me to make amends? Please let me love you with all my heart and my soul.

Oh Pam, my darling please please forgive me. I know I've made terrible choices, and I know I may never be perfect while I'm with you in this world but I promise I will do better.  I will make you happy. Can you please, please give me another chance?

All My Love, 

Alan

In one of Angel’s channelings, Alan admitted that he was afraid of saying the wrong thing. Worried that he would hurt me with his off-hand snarky remarks, he held back because he didn’t trust himself to not do that again. While all of us had laughed at Alan sternly telling Swati that he didn’t want her to open her mouth if she attended our wedding, he was serious.

This was an issue for him because he turns into a stand-up comedian whenever the two of them start bantering, but Alan wanted our second wedding to be perfect for me, to make up for all he had done wrong. He wasn’t about to risk saying even a single thing that would upset me. But now he needed to get over this fear if we were to have a true relationship. In his life review, he experienced the pain I had endured because of him, which was why he was terrified of hurting me. The irony of it was that he continued to manifest his fears! How could he not? We manifest what we believe and think about, especially what we are most afraid of!

But there was more going on here, there was something else Alan had not been working on that would deepen our conflict.    

The King’s Ego

For some time now, Maria, Angel, and I had noticed how emotional Alan was. It had become so chronic, that he had even asked me to control my anger saying how deeply my rage affected him. His empathic senses were so highly tuned that he felt every bit of negative emotion I felt. After our merge, our emotions and energies were so entwined it seemed impossible for him not to be affected by my moods.

The problem is I live in the physical world where having a human experience is what I came here for. This means that I will get upset from time to time, and sometimes Alan might even be the cause of it. If he were still here in a body would it be reasonable for him to expect me to never be upset with him? He was shocked by the intensity of my rage only because I had never gotten angry at him before. Expressing my feelings was as new to me as it was to him, but now that he had brought me back to life by encouraging me to access all of my emotions rather than repress them, what else could he expect? I was no longer holding back my feelings like I once did, which meant that if he failed to do something he had promised, of course, I’d be disappointed and upset.

When I learned that Alan had not been doing everything in his power to make his presence seen and felt by me I was inconsolable. I felt betrayed. Here I had done everything he asked me to do and he couldn’t do the one thing that meant the world to me: do what he can to make himself visible to me. It was only because of Swati that I learned that souls on the other side can learn how to materialize, even if it is difficult, with dedication and lots of practice it’s possible.

I understood that most souls on the other side kept their basic personalities, which made sense for how else would we recognize them if they suddenly became as emotionally detached as a zen master? A problem arises only if they retain personality traits that create issues between themselves and others. This was the case with Alan.

He was too much in his ego.  

It was why he was so emotional all the time. More emotional than me as it turned out! It also explained why it was hard for him to hear me talk about the past when the story I recounted was about his many failings, not that I was rubbing his nose in it, but if the subject came up he winced or got sad or both.

Swati admitted that she had never interacted with a soul who was so much in their human self. The souls she sees in spirit form are their angelic selves, since we are multidimensional, we have many selves so the Alan that she relates to most of the time is his Archangel self, which is emotionally neutral. It’s Alan’s human self that is afraid of losing me because he treated me so poorly during our marriage, while his Archangel self knows he can never lose me because we are one and always will be. The problem is I don’t want to be in a relationship with an Archangel!  I want a relationship with a human man. On top of that, and this was most important–our mission is to help people on both sides of the veil continue their relationships with each other, especially the souls who are spouses or partners. To do this, the soul on the other side can’t fully be their higher selves if they are to continue their human relationship.

Alan’s confession plunged me into despair. Try as I might, for days I could not snap out of it, I would shake off the sadness for a day, reconcile with Alan, think I was fine, only to find myself back where I started later that evening or the next day. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake my fear that he hadn’t changed, that he would always choose to help other people over loving me. That was the wound that I could not let go of. Yes, Alan was being vulnerable and emotionally wide open to me at last, showing a precious side of himself I had only seen in the early months of our courtship. But could I trust that he would stay this way permanently?

I rode this emotional insane roller coaster, crying my eyes out for days until just before Christmas day, a thought came to me. I’m not sure if it was my spirit guides or even Alan himself sending me the message but it rang true.

Alan needed to be less attached to his human self and I needed to be more in my higher self. We needed to meet in the middle!

For months now he had been telling me that I was stepping into my Archangel higher self to embrace all of the powers that I had. From the beginning he had been saying that I was his equal in every way, it was why I was going through the up-leveling as he called it, I was letting go of the old me to make way for the new, real me. This was what I’d been working towards since my spiritual awakening over thirty years ago: learning to become my higher self. I was doing what all souls in a body are here to learn how to do: live as our true self, our Soul.

After all of the drama, what it took for me to finally turn the corner was to simply decide who I wanted to be. I needed to let go of my human ego self with all of her convoluted fears that Alan would abandon and mistreat her to step into the Real Me: a powerful, eternal Soul who can weather whatever comes her way, who can love fearlessly because she knows that it’s the love within her that keeps her safe and secure from any storm that the physical world might bring, including any perceived rejection. Alan needed to do the same, let go of his ego fears and rise up to be more of his divine self.

And just like that, everything changed. The curtains were thrown wide open upon the gloomy recesses of my heart and mind. My mood immediately brightened. Alan looked exhausted but much to the relief of Maria and Edie, he seemed much better. We were finally sailing into calmer waters at last. Alan promised he would practice to make himself more visible to me, perhaps even materialize, saying it would take a lot of time and dedication but he promised he would try. All I asked was that he try. Success, while it would be amazing, was not the point. I just wanted to know he was doing all he could, just as I was. I wanted proof that I was his top priority as he said I was.

I felt terrible for putting Maria and Angel through such a turbulent week. Christmas Day brought a semblance of peace with it, though Alan was quiet at least we were on the mend. Weeks before, Archangel Michael had said that the new year would see the energy around us lifting, and it happened just as he said it would. The first hour of the New Year, Alan sprung into action.

I spent the eve of 2022 in bed with Alan, watching the Netflix series, Surviving Death, listening to his running commentary about the segment on physical mediumship. Some seventeen years earlier we had worked with a physical medium and now Alan was telling me everything he knew about the phenomenon. Yes, spirits can speak through a soul in a body and even materialize physical items. I had witnessed that firsthand. I fell soon asleep then woke up with a start when the hour of midnight struck as the fireworks erupted all around us on our usually quiet dead-end street. I quickly put my robe on, rushed into the living room, opened the curtains, and was greeted by the night sky ablaze with fireworks exploding in multi colors in every direction I could see.

Alan guffawed, “So much for the fireworks ban!”

Twenty minutes later, as the fireworks tapered off, since I was now wide awake I went into my office to do some writing. I turned on my desk lamp, but within ten minutes, the light went out. I figured the bulb must have burned out but didn’t want to change it, so I switched on a small lamp on a bookcase behind my chair, thinking that would do for the time being. After five minutes the light on my desk lamp came back on. I heard Alan chuckling, “I promised you I’d practice!” It was less than one hour into the new year and he was making sure I knew he was trying. But he wasn’t content with that. We were scheduled to do an online New Year’s event that weekend. 

Alan asked Swati to tell me he wanted me to host an online event for the New Year for our Facebook group. She would join me along with Maria to talk about our experiences living with souls on the other side, including Alan and we’d give readings. She said Alan wanted the sadness between us to end, and this would be a way to do that. Yes, we were doing better but I was still emotionally fragile, and though I was uncertain about it, my inner guidance told me to go along.

During the event, we took turns giving mediumship readings and sharing our experiences of Alan and other loved ones on the other side. We were originally scheduled for three hours, which was already long, but as we neared the end seeing that we only had a few more people to read I decided to go a bit longer. Unbeknownst to me, Alan had earlier told my friend Sam, who was moderating the event, to not let it go beyond three hours. The thing was Sam never told me.

When we passed the three-hour mark, Alan made his concerns known. While still on camera, Swati announced that her GOOGLE Home device had just gone bonkers. The device kept repeating the word “disconnect” over and over. Though she knew it was Alan speaking to us, Swati had assumed it was a message for one of the people that had been read. At around the same time, Sam’s cell phone keyboard began to type gibberish. I ended the event 30 minutes later. It wasn’t until after the meeting was done that all of us realized it had been Alan trying his best to get us to stop.

I heard Alan say, “Hey, this event was all my idea and none of you were listening to me!” We couldn’t stop laughing. It wasn’t the first time Alan had tried to shut down one of my Zoom events he’d get agitated if he knew I was tired or needed to eat something, but this time he was concerned about Sam who apparently was exhausted. This time Sam was the one who needed to rest and eat!  

But Alan wasn’t finished flexing his psychic muscles for the day. Later that night as I got ready for bed, I closed the curtains in the bedroom, changed clothes then put on my bathrobe, walked into the bathroom, only to find when I came back, the bedroom was pitch black. Alan had turned the lamp off! Now it was Alan’s turn to laugh as I said, “Show off!”